I know people in many different circumstances ask themselves, and even God, everyday..how much more can I take? We deal with death, tragedy and extreme loss...yet we find it within us to keep going day by day..we pray for healing and understanding as to why we have to go thru the things we do, why does it have to be this way? How many more lessons can I learn? Yet we really arent supposed to ask God why..
God made us resilient because He knew the things we would have to endure, but somehow that doesnt make me feel any better about NOW. I know it should, but in anger I chase away the comfort He brings because I dont want to be going thru it at ALL! I know without God and His covering more than likely I would be going thru much more than I have..but if u knew what all that was you might wonder how I'm not in a padded room. I'm determined not to let those things define me..It's who I was...not who I am...and I'm a better person because of it.
I think about when my mom died..the pain was so devastating I didnt know how I would recover...how I would wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other...I was angry at God for a year..I dont really remember how or when things changed..but they did...and while I miss her with everything in me..I manage to go on..
How many times can life leave gaping holes in your heart and it keeps beating? I have said before that even though we heal, the scars will always remain..constant reminders of the pain that caused it..but I have also heard that those scars are there to remind us of our victories with and thru God. I try, but in all honesty, I cant always keep this attitude.
In the midst, I want to think of the future when I can look back at where I have been and be glad about where I am...but sometimes I just dont wanna be where I am..I wanna be somewhere else..anywhere but here...sigh..God forgive me.
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God can handle our anger...and our whys. I don't think we can't ask Him why. We might not get the answer we want to hear, but part of a relationship with Him is asking those hard questions. He's a big God, and is there with us through it ALL, no matter whats going on.
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