I Am...a refugee

I cant seem to get the words out fast enough this week..a lot on my mind..lots of writing to get out..

define: refuge-noun

1.	shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.: to take refuge from a storm.

2.	a place of shelter, protection, or safety.

3.	anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.

With all the ups and downs...I know God is near me, but I'm distant from Him..this morning as soon as I woke up I felt Him speak to me, "I am your refuge." Typing that makes me want to cry..His timing is perfect as always..He knew I needed that word this morning..to get outta bed, let alone face the day. So, admittedly I am not the best scripture quoter, so I looked it up..there are several places were it refers to refuge..but this one fit the best..my little nugget for the day.

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the strength of my salvation, my stronghold.

When your sinking..you need a rock to hold on to..He is my rock and He is my refuge...without Him...who else will save me from the quicksand?

I many go thru tough times but I always know I need the shelter, safety, protection, aid, relief and escape only He can provide..My own little "staycation".*wink*

Thank you God for all that you ARE, HAVE BEEN and WILL BE..

...until next time!

I Am..getting past

I finally feel my soul returning..at least for the moment...i am sure there will be more ups and downs but once it returns completely..the guards go back up...such a shame but such a necessity till it heals again...i dont think gettin past requires forgiveness..(at least not at first)..first comes acceptance...and while i havent totally done that yet..im gettin there..ive accepted it's outta my control...so be it...

"...Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned..."-Alicia Keys

...until next time!

How much can one endure?

I know people in many different circumstances ask themselves, and even God, everyday..how much more can I take? We deal with death, tragedy and extreme loss...yet we find it within us to keep going day by day..we pray for healing and understanding as to why we have to go thru the things we do, why does it have to be this way? How many more lessons can I learn? Yet we really arent supposed to ask God why..

God made us resilient because He knew the things we would have to endure, but somehow that doesnt make me feel any better about NOW. I know it should, but in anger I chase away the comfort He brings because I dont want to be going thru it at ALL! I know without God and His covering more than likely I would be going thru much more than I have..but if u knew what all that was you might wonder how I'm not in a padded room. I'm determined not to let those things define me..It's who I was...not who I am...and I'm a better person because of it.

I think about when my mom died..the pain was so devastating I didnt know how I would recover...how I would wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other...I was angry at God for a year..I dont really remember how or when things changed..but they did...and while I miss her with everything in me..I manage to go on..

How many times can life leave gaping holes in your heart and it keeps beating? I have said before that even though we heal, the scars will always remain..constant reminders of the pain that caused it..but I have also heard that those scars are there to remind us of our victories with and thru God. I try, but in all honesty, I cant always keep this attitude.

In the midst, I want to think of the future when I can look back at where I have been and be glad about where I am...but sometimes I just dont wanna be where I am..I wanna be somewhere else..anywhere but here...sigh..God forgive me.

I Am...Multidimensional

Multidimensionality is as complicated to "be" as it is to spell..lol

First thing that peeks my curiousity is how hard it is to explain something/someone as multidimensional if you cant properly define dimension...simplest definition that comes to mind is something with many sides..and MAN if anyone knows me even in the slightest they know this is true. Of course there are pros and cons to this..it makes me versatile, easily adaptable, and someone who knows and can do many things depending on which "side" is visible...it also makes me moody, unpredictable and and overall roulette wheel so to speak..because you never know where the ball might land...so in a way..i am the kind of person some love to hate..because while i can be witty and charming i can be a total pain in the..eh umm..neck..lol..whats a girl to do? u have no idea how hard it is to BE this person, let alone be WITH this person..lol.. Love me or leave me?

Balance..which I still have yet to master but strive towards daily...i try to stay on an even keel..i dont wanna fuss or fight because i can quickly swirl into a tail spin..and trust me the "tail" is not the side u wanna see if u can avoid it..i dont wanna be too predictable..cuz whats the fun in that?..how do u have spontaneity and still keep from tippin the boat?..vewwy carefuwwy..this takes A LOT of effort and even more energy..but it is possible..i refer alot to the new and old me..and even tho it should refer to God etc..its really about the person i have evolved into over the last several years and moreso over the last year..a much happier..calm and controlled ME...now this new me does get gagged and hog-tied from time to time and the crazy "i will cut u" puerto rican in me does emerge..but she can be brought back to the "zen-chi" me..lol

What is sacrificed is all this?..hmm..things i have learned myself and have even shared with others such as...1-just agree and move on..if its not THAT important to be right..choose ur battles..2-dont always say what is on ur mind..i have a permanant scar from biting my tongue..the old me could care LESS if u didnt like what i had to say.. u were gonna listen to every word till im done..STEP AWAY..and learn when to shut up..3-let the OCD im me take a chill pill..im not a neat freak but i like things clean...some days..its ok to lay around and not clean..the mess will be there tmrw..along the same lines..its ok for the kids to get dirty..this is hard for me..i think the hardest thing i did was let my son (now 12 then maybe 5) go outside in the snow and make snow angels..what was even harder..i made some with him...he remembers to this day those memories..and all i had to do was not worry about the mess we were gonna make with all the wet clothes.

A lot of my dimensions are totally and extremely opposite from one another..this also has its pros and cons..i dont trust easily, but when i do im all in...i dont love easily, but when i do, i fall hard...i dont like doin anything half-way..the best or not at all...im all about play hard or go home...

Where does this leave me..heck I dunno..lol..remember this is my therapy..but i know that day by day..each side is more clearly defined..its purpose and the role it plays...

I am..outgoing, fun, intelligent, witty, loving, sarcastic, easy going, a jack of all trades, multi-tasker, an optimist, a skeptic, a pain in the neck, moody, a loopy loop roller-coaster(the best one in the park), unforgettable, open-minded, hard-headed, distant and close..lol, more than u ever thought i would be..and MORE!

take ur pick..love me or leave me...but u gotta have me.. =)

...until next time!

I Am...tryin to dodge the brick

Boy, boy, boy...another day in the life of Stacy, I am seriously considering writing a book...my friend Brandie always says, "Listen for the whisper, or wait for the brick." I am tired of gettin hit with the brick! I really try hard to listen for God's whisper, for his gentle nudge to keep me in line and on the right track. I pray to make the right choices and I LISTENNNNNNNNNNN really hard..sometimes nothing and sometimes I hear the voices..I guess I was listening to the WRONG VOICES AGAIN! Because WHAM..that brick blindsided me...Mary Mary has a song on their new CD..it talks about this..and their answer is to "keep on runnin because walkin wont get it." Even though I got whacked with the brick, I have to keep seeking Him and what He wants for me. This is hard..sheesh..Love knocks me down and I get back up, Life knocks me down and I get back up, God whacks me with the brick and all I can do is shake it off and pray for as little dain bramage as possible..be patient God, I'm hard headed but I'm not made of steel.

...until next time!

I Am...hurt beyond words

It never ceases to amaze me how a good woman like myself..one who is intelligent, kind, caring, compassionate, keeps a clean house, cooks, takes care of her kids, goes to church and treats her man like a king, has her kindness taken for weakness. Men wonder where the good women are? We are right here under ur nose..but by necessity have our protective walls up because 99% of men we run into lie, cheat and steal our hearts with no remorse. I am a hopeless romantic, but I am not fool. And saying I Love You doesnt make it so, nor does it make everything go away. We want to love and be loved just like you. We get lonely, but never will I allow that to compromise my standards in who I am and what I want out of a man and life for that matter. Even as I am broken hearted and disappointed in what life brings me through, I am more than I was yesterday. "Today may not be my day, but theres always tomorrow."

I Am..Stumped

You have heard the quote, " If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."...ok..I let them go and they came back..now what? where do we go from here?

Now of course sometimes there are the ones that you let go and they need to stay gone...but when u love that person it seems 10 times as hard to let them go again. What do you do when this person resurfaces and you have to walk away again?..It doesnt hurt any less..re-opens old wounds..drags up old feelings..but how do u know if they are back because this was "love returned". Whats the test?

...well after a couple days of searching...theres still no answer..life is full of unknowns..all u can do is play things out day by day. Thats how I'm playin my life right now anyway. Some say follow ur heart and if its meant to be things will fall in place..some say let it go and keep it movin..I like to have a plan but of course some things cant be planned..my life is good and I am grateful..what more can a girl ask for...

....until next time!

I AM..The Sound

Sometimes I feel stirred to write about certain topics not knowing where it will lead me..but then again, that's the awesome part. I was listening to my new Mary Mary cd..popped it in and the in the first track they define "sound". I felt God tellin me that I AM THE SOUND. Most of the time I dunno what these little nuggets mean. But I have been listening to Israel Houghton's cd lately too and he has a song called the Power of One..all of this together tells me this..(some quoted from the songs)..Israel says, it takes one person to start a revolution...so essentially...it just takes one movement to stir the air and send the vibration to make the sound of change..

define: sound-noun-the sensation produced by stimulation of the organs of hearing by vibrations transmitted through the air or other medium.

define: change-verb-to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.

define: revolution-noun-1) a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, esp. one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence. 2) a sudden, complete or marked change in something.

As I take all this in, I think about who I am and who I was..and ultimately who I will be. I have always been the type of person who creates my own rules and sets my own trends...a leader not a follower. In the not so distant past, some of my not so good characteristics defined me and how people knew me..but I've changed..I'm not sure what "new revolution" I'm supposed to start, but I know God is preparing me.

One thing I have learned is that being the medium is only one step, you have to find the "ear" on the other end ready to receive it..what good is it to carry this awesome message, only for it to fall on deaf ears...keep ur senses tuned to the know the difference..

Many times in my life I have felt this stirring..almost anxious hunger before God moves..it almost feels like I am gonna jump outta my skin..lol..(anyone who has ever felt this knows what I am talkin about..and maybe if u didnt know now u do..) ..the craziest part is that even though I dont know which step to take...God brings this peace and shows me the way because I continually seek Him...as long as I keep seeking I will find myself and who I am in Him..and He says that I AM THE SOUND and it is SO!

....until next time!

I AM Back!

Well...I have been on a bit of a sabbatical and finally feeling the need to write again....its time to get all this crap outta my head and on paper(so to speak)..since i wrote i last i have been grindin away at school..spring semester i busted out with 3.6 GPA( i wasnt happy with that but ..)..and im takin 2 algebra courses this summer..overall i like school..just wanna finish as fast as possible so i can get a job in a field that i enjoy more than real estate..i miss my kiddos..they are stay with their dad during the week so while im grateful because im exhausted at the end of the day..i miss emmmmm!..over these last few months i have still continued to work on myself and my walk with God..truely tryin to see what my purpose is and how to be the best ME that i can be..while i fall short everyday..i do what i can to start fresh the next..life is good and I couldnt ask for more...
..im sure i wont have time to blog as often as i like, but keep an eye out for me...hehehe...see ya soon!