Tryin to get back on blogging schedule..the last 2 days I feel all discombobulated..still reading that great book and todays chapter was written just for me..lol..so the topic is I AM a Skeptic...
lets define skeptic-noun-1. a person who questions the validity or authenticity of something purporting to be factual. 2. a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as toward values, plans, statements, or the character of others...also lets define doubt-verb-1. to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief. 2. to distrust.
i have always been a super analytical kind of person..trying to understand the how's and why's to everything..it helps me feel more in control if i can apply logic and reason to things...but this is exhausting as most people control freaks know..ur entire day can be consumed by all the details and explanations of why people do what they do..as u can see by the definition it boils down to TRUST or the lack thereof..this is a biggie with me..i know i have trust issues..big ones..u have to earn trust and if u ever break my trust u can pretty much count on things never being the same...90% of the time im playing devils advocate and looking at the flip side to why someone did something, especially if its out of the ordinary...if u can figure out what the reason is behind why someone does something..it helps u predict their future behavior when the same situation arises...in my mind if i can predict ahead of time what someones reaction will be..i can better prepare myself to deal with it the next time..or know how to influence that persons behavior by changing what i do..i know its all a bunch of psycho babble BS..but this is the mess goin on in my head...this helps me determine if i can trust that person..if time after time they are predictable, reliable and do what they say they will do...
are u a doubter or a believer?..do u blindly trust people to be good natured, decent human beings who have ur best interests in mind?..or do u think everyone has an ulterior motive?
to keep my sanity..my philosophy is...1. dont ask questions u dont want to know the answers to...2. dont stress over things u cant control (mostly men)...3. choose ur battles...4. be grateful for the good things...5. trust ur instincts..
doubt is a choice..and im tryin to change in baby steps...until next time...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I am..a Doer
well if i could i would picket my job...i couldnt blog yesterday because they made me WORK all DAY!..so lemme see if i can squeeze one in today..lol..yesterday the topic i chose was..I am A DOER...
lets define..Doer-noun-1. a person or thing that does something, esp. a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency. 2. go-getter
anyone who knows me well, knows this describes me..its one thing i can say that I AM for sure..but just like anything else..i get lax..at least thats how it feels..i have always been the type of person that works all day, then goes home and works more..i have 20 projects goin on at once..tryin to spread myself out in 20 directions...lately i feel like im the opposite of a doer(which i havent quite found a real definition of)..but if i step back and look objectively..i am DOING things..they are just different
..for example..i used to work my 8-5..then somehow manage to do graphic design stuff either for music or party related stuff..flyers, CD artwork or whatever..i also would promote the stuff i just designed..i also do photography..so i would be editing and posting pics..and working on my non-profit bizness which a task in itself...grant research, CPS research..location research..finding sponsors etc..all of this while raising 2 kids and dealing with my own personal issues...i have cut back almost all of that..working primarily on the non-profit stuff and my kids of course....so i feel like i have all this time i am wasting when im just sitting still..when in reality..i am working on ME for a change..i enjoy my quiet time..to just think..or not think, for that matter..i am sorting out all the mess in my head and in my heart and recalibrating the compass so to speak..so i wanted to make a new list of what im DOING..
lets define..Doer-noun-1. a person or thing that does something, esp. a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency. 2. go-getter
anyone who knows me well, knows this describes me..its one thing i can say that I AM for sure..but just like anything else..i get lax..at least thats how it feels..i have always been the type of person that works all day, then goes home and works more..i have 20 projects goin on at once..tryin to spread myself out in 20 directions...lately i feel like im the opposite of a doer(which i havent quite found a real definition of)..but if i step back and look objectively..i am DOING things..they are just different
..for example..i used to work my 8-5..then somehow manage to do graphic design stuff either for music or party related stuff..flyers, CD artwork or whatever..i also would promote the stuff i just designed..i also do photography..so i would be editing and posting pics..and working on my non-profit bizness which a task in itself...grant research, CPS research..location research..finding sponsors etc..all of this while raising 2 kids and dealing with my own personal issues...i have cut back almost all of that..working primarily on the non-profit stuff and my kids of course....so i feel like i have all this time i am wasting when im just sitting still..when in reality..i am working on ME for a change..i enjoy my quiet time..to just think..or not think, for that matter..i am sorting out all the mess in my head and in my heart and recalibrating the compass so to speak..so i wanted to make a new list of what im DOING..
- reading several books..Joyce Meyer, James Patterson, Joel Osteen and Spanish for dummies(stop laughing)
- im going back to school in the spring..its been a LONNNNNNG time..pray for ya girl
- im learning spanish..my friend said "i thought u was spanish"..i said "i is, but me no speaky spanish"..LOL..its always been very frustrating not being able to speak spanish..i can understand alot but cant form a sentence to save my life..pray again for ya girl
- im spending a lot of time with my kids..this year they are both changing so much..every day is so vital to the success of the next day..they are both on the fence of wanting to be independent and wanting to still be mama's boys..so pray even more for ya girl on this one..
- i joined the choir at church..another one most people didnt expect..i used to be in my church choir years ago..and always loved it and missed it..so i got up the nerve and went for it..my church is big so its a blast being part of a choir of 200 people..i sang for the first time last sunday and LOVED IT..
- im still working on Passage of Hope..i really feel like God has me sitting on the sideline right now..teaching and molding me into a better "player"..for the moment..im waiting patiently..lol
well there ya go..my "list" of what im doing..we get so caught up in "doing" things we cant think or hear clearly..i have found that this is when i have a hard time making good decisions because i cant hear God with all the stuff goin on around me...just a thought**wink**
Heres an interesting quote I heard today "Every man is a moon and has a side which he turns toward nobody: you have to slip around behind if you want to see it." -Mark Twain
....until next time
Friday, October 24, 2008
I am..Thinking about what I'm Thinking About
Confused already?..Again..this book has me thinking..and it talks about consciously putting effort into having certain thoughts..not just letting what ever pops in ur head stay in there...even before this book i have been aware of how that happens...and after reading "This Present Darkness" i really understood how satan screws with ur head..so u know i always begin with the definitions...cuz this is a good one.
Think(ing)-verb-1. to have or form in the mind as an idea, conception 2. to have a certain thing as the subject of one's thoughts 3. To concentrate one's thoughts on 4. To intend 5. To reason about or reflect on; ponder. -noun-1. use or exercise the mind or one's power of reason in order to make inferences, decisions, or arrive at a solution or judgments.
I know ur like dang....there are about 50 different definitions of think, thinking and thought...but this shows u how complex and important thinking and being in control of it really is..a thought is where everything begins...
Ok so...lets start at the conception of the thought..when something pops in ur head..did something trigger it..where did it originate?..a sound, smell, or something u saw..or did it just pop in there from no where? is the thought about something u are doing now, need to do or have already done?..man this is alot of stuff swirling around in there...this is why u have to take the time to make a conscious effort to separate it, get rid of the junk and meditate on the good stuff..other wise ur head is like a bowl of spaghetti..a big mess...trust me im an expert at the big mess part..what i have done is really tried to see what and who the originator is of all the thoughts that just pop in there outta no where..for example..when u are lookin at someone really cute and u think..i wonder what they are workin with under those clothes(u know u have had that thought...u dont have to lie)..it might be an interesting thought..but thats not a productive thought..and that aint God ...this happens to me at church all the time..so i know its satan screwin with me..(cuz i could think on that topic for a long time) satan knows im easily distracted..i literally have to say to myself..get outta there..
now lets talk on the thoughts that are in there right now...for instance..at work..i deal with these agents that act like children..it makes me insane..and just the sound of the voice of a couple of em makes my blood pressure go up...the first thought is..what the heck do they want now..or ugh i cant stand talkin to so-and-so..but the result of that thinking leaves me irritated and in a bad mood..it lingers almost and leaves this funk ..the point is..even tho i might not wanna deal with them..i have to..so i might as well change the way i deal with it because im just poisoning myself...i guess i have to start practicing what i preach..i tell my kids all the time..everything is a choice..so make good choices..then i turn around and stick my tongue out at em when they cant see..**dont tell anyone**
alright we covered the conception, and the now so what about the past..what about reflecting on all the stuff that has already happened?..sometimes this can be anticipated..we know if we go to a certain place or hear a certain song we are going to be reminded of something/someone...and we either avoid it like the plague or welcome it...if we know its going to trigger a thought..we can control the thought..right?..if its a happy thought dwell on it..if its a bad on replace it with a happy one..that sounds easy..now..what if its something that we dont expect..u have to have an emergency escape plan...so that u know how to deal with it when it comes..and the best way to have an effective emergency plan is to practice it..what good is the plan if its too hard to implement or u forget what the plan was all together..(find ur "happy place")
soooo what does this have to do with me...hmmmm...overall i have removed alot of the negative stuff that i was doing or that was around me..or learned how to deal with it in a different way..fear causes u to hold onto things(thats another days blog)..but i have done it and surprisingly survived it..**big happy face**..i try to recognize when im getting depressed before im face down in the dirt and then try to figure out what got me there so i can deal with it differently next time..(this sounds like a 12 step program for some reason)..all in all..making different and better decisions is creating a better me..and i love it...and i have to give all the glory to God..cuz thats the ONLY thing gettin me thru..
someone that i met only once a year ago sent me a text today and it said "Life isnt about finding urself, its about creating urself..do something!"..how fitting..so today I AM Thinking About What I'm Thinking About and u should too... until next time..
Think(ing)-verb-1. to have or form in the mind as an idea, conception 2. to have a certain thing as the subject of one's thoughts 3. To concentrate one's thoughts on 4. To intend 5. To reason about or reflect on; ponder. -noun-1. use or exercise the mind or one's power of reason in order to make inferences, decisions, or arrive at a solution or judgments.
I know ur like dang....there are about 50 different definitions of think, thinking and thought...but this shows u how complex and important thinking and being in control of it really is..a thought is where everything begins...
Ok so...lets start at the conception of the thought..when something pops in ur head..did something trigger it..where did it originate?..a sound, smell, or something u saw..or did it just pop in there from no where? is the thought about something u are doing now, need to do or have already done?..man this is alot of stuff swirling around in there...this is why u have to take the time to make a conscious effort to separate it, get rid of the junk and meditate on the good stuff..other wise ur head is like a bowl of spaghetti..a big mess...trust me im an expert at the big mess part..what i have done is really tried to see what and who the originator is of all the thoughts that just pop in there outta no where..for example..when u are lookin at someone really cute and u think..i wonder what they are workin with under those clothes(u know u have had that thought...u dont have to lie)..it might be an interesting thought..but thats not a productive thought..and that aint God ...this happens to me at church all the time..so i know its satan screwin with me..(cuz i could think on that topic for a long time) satan knows im easily distracted..i literally have to say to myself..get outta there..
now lets talk on the thoughts that are in there right now...for instance..at work..i deal with these agents that act like children..it makes me insane..and just the sound of the voice of a couple of em makes my blood pressure go up...the first thought is..what the heck do they want now..or ugh i cant stand talkin to so-and-so..but the result of that thinking leaves me irritated and in a bad mood..it lingers almost and leaves this funk ..the point is..even tho i might not wanna deal with them..i have to..so i might as well change the way i deal with it because im just poisoning myself...i guess i have to start practicing what i preach..i tell my kids all the time..everything is a choice..so make good choices..then i turn around and stick my tongue out at em when they cant see..**dont tell anyone**
alright we covered the conception, and the now so what about the past..what about reflecting on all the stuff that has already happened?..sometimes this can be anticipated..we know if we go to a certain place or hear a certain song we are going to be reminded of something/someone...and we either avoid it like the plague or welcome it...if we know its going to trigger a thought..we can control the thought..right?..if its a happy thought dwell on it..if its a bad on replace it with a happy one..that sounds easy..now..what if its something that we dont expect..u have to have an emergency escape plan...so that u know how to deal with it when it comes..and the best way to have an effective emergency plan is to practice it..what good is the plan if its too hard to implement or u forget what the plan was all together..(find ur "happy place")
soooo what does this have to do with me...hmmmm...overall i have removed alot of the negative stuff that i was doing or that was around me..or learned how to deal with it in a different way..fear causes u to hold onto things(thats another days blog)..but i have done it and surprisingly survived it..**big happy face**..i try to recognize when im getting depressed before im face down in the dirt and then try to figure out what got me there so i can deal with it differently next time..(this sounds like a 12 step program for some reason)..all in all..making different and better decisions is creating a better me..and i love it...and i have to give all the glory to God..cuz thats the ONLY thing gettin me thru..
someone that i met only once a year ago sent me a text today and it said "Life isnt about finding urself, its about creating urself..do something!"..how fitting..so today I AM Thinking About What I'm Thinking About and u should too... until next time..
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I am...an Anchor
Over the last few days I have been flooded with things that I am...I could blog 24/7 right now..lol..so today's topic..."I AM an Anchor"
This topic can probably have several parts and several days of writing..but it is based on this passage..Hebrews 6:19 This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...lets define..
Hope-noun- the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. -verb- to believe, desire, or trust. Trust-noun or verb-to have confidence; hope..one more.. Anchor-noun- a person or thing that can be relied on for support, stability, or security.
Who doesnt want these qualities in their lives? someone to count on, depend on, be encouraged by and know no matter what..they got ur back...
Everyone is in a different place in life..we all have these changing things..jobs, kids, illnesses, life throwing us curveballs left and right..in my life i have probably moved 25 times..seriously..i always had to adjust to new friends, new environments, new rules every time i turned around...nothing was ever the same..i remember feelin lost and alone all the time...and when ever things did settle down..it felt like something was wrong because nothing was changing..talk about dysfunction..i wrote the book..as a teenager i remember desperately seeking God..i attended several churches of several denominations..but never felt i found Him..it wasnt until i was pregnant with Jalen that i think i really found Him..i joined this itty bitty church..the pastor ran an in-home daycare and a friend referred me to them when i needed to find a place to take Jalen when i went back to work..i loved it..most sundays no more than 20 people tops..but it was home to me..i sang in the choir(yes i sing and yes there was a choir..lol)..i taught sunday school(stop laughing)..and i wasnt alone anymore..God moved for me time after time and showed me things i had never seen..i understand some people are say.."well thats ur life" because they have never experienced it...but u have to seek it..seek and u shall find, right?..i wanted something constant..i wanted to change all the changing things and make it sit still for awhile...
on the flip side(because thats what i do)..the opposite of hope is discouragement..discouragement destroys hope..thats what satan wants...with no hope there is no joy and then ur back on that rollercoaster...feeling alone..but one thing i learned about myself was that i perservered...and finally made it around that stupid mountain...James 1:4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...and isnt being and feeling complete what this is all about?..
I still have my cycles of away from God and near Him..a lot of us do..but the best part of it is KNOWING He is always gonna be there..He is constant and He is the anchor..He grounds us and keeps us from getting washed away with the current..and when we get really far out in the scary deep water..He can reel us in to safety...i want to have these qualities as a parent, spouse and friend...i want my kids to know..they can always come to me..and while they are testing their independence and sometimes get out too deep..i will always be there to reel them back to where its safe...i wanna be like Him when i grow up..lol..so today I AM AN ANCHOR...until next time.
This topic can probably have several parts and several days of writing..but it is based on this passage..Hebrews 6:19 This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...lets define..
Hope-noun- the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. -verb- to believe, desire, or trust. Trust-noun or verb-to have confidence; hope..one more.. Anchor-noun- a person or thing that can be relied on for support, stability, or security.
Who doesnt want these qualities in their lives? someone to count on, depend on, be encouraged by and know no matter what..they got ur back...
Everyone is in a different place in life..we all have these changing things..jobs, kids, illnesses, life throwing us curveballs left and right..in my life i have probably moved 25 times..seriously..i always had to adjust to new friends, new environments, new rules every time i turned around...nothing was ever the same..i remember feelin lost and alone all the time...and when ever things did settle down..it felt like something was wrong because nothing was changing..talk about dysfunction..i wrote the book..as a teenager i remember desperately seeking God..i attended several churches of several denominations..but never felt i found Him..it wasnt until i was pregnant with Jalen that i think i really found Him..i joined this itty bitty church..the pastor ran an in-home daycare and a friend referred me to them when i needed to find a place to take Jalen when i went back to work..i loved it..most sundays no more than 20 people tops..but it was home to me..i sang in the choir(yes i sing and yes there was a choir..lol)..i taught sunday school(stop laughing)..and i wasnt alone anymore..God moved for me time after time and showed me things i had never seen..i understand some people are say.."well thats ur life" because they have never experienced it...but u have to seek it..seek and u shall find, right?..i wanted something constant..i wanted to change all the changing things and make it sit still for awhile...
on the flip side(because thats what i do)..the opposite of hope is discouragement..discouragement destroys hope..thats what satan wants...with no hope there is no joy and then ur back on that rollercoaster...feeling alone..but one thing i learned about myself was that i perservered...and finally made it around that stupid mountain...James 1:4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...and isnt being and feeling complete what this is all about?..
I still have my cycles of away from God and near Him..a lot of us do..but the best part of it is KNOWING He is always gonna be there..He is constant and He is the anchor..He grounds us and keeps us from getting washed away with the current..and when we get really far out in the scary deep water..He can reel us in to safety...i want to have these qualities as a parent, spouse and friend...i want my kids to know..they can always come to me..and while they are testing their independence and sometimes get out too deep..i will always be there to reel them back to where its safe...i wanna be like Him when i grow up..lol..so today I AM AN ANCHOR...until next time.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I am...Going Around the Mountain
Well it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...and time for the blog of the day..lol..Today I AM "Going Around the Mountain"..
The last few months Joyce Meyer has helped get me thru alot of stuff..gotta love her brutal honesty and humility! She talks alot about goin around the same mountain over and over again...and how tiresome it can be...but I have always thought it reminds me of this song Jai sings in school..If u cant go over it, and u cant go under it, and u cant go thru it..so u gotta go around it...sometimes the mountain looks to hard to climb..and while that might be the shortest way...it's usually the hardest way...so I take the easier.. but longer route AROUND THE MOUNTAIN...now that kinda sounds like it defeats the purpose...but once I get around that sucker this time..I'm not gonna go back around again...this time..I'm gonna find a new mountain..new path..new SOMETHING..with new scenery and new purpose...and re-write that dang song!...until next time...
The last few months Joyce Meyer has helped get me thru alot of stuff..gotta love her brutal honesty and humility! She talks alot about goin around the same mountain over and over again...and how tiresome it can be...but I have always thought it reminds me of this song Jai sings in school..If u cant go over it, and u cant go under it, and u cant go thru it..so u gotta go around it...sometimes the mountain looks to hard to climb..and while that might be the shortest way...it's usually the hardest way...so I take the easier.. but longer route AROUND THE MOUNTAIN...now that kinda sounds like it defeats the purpose...but once I get around that sucker this time..I'm not gonna go back around again...this time..I'm gonna find a new mountain..new path..new SOMETHING..with new scenery and new purpose...and re-write that dang song!...until next time...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I am...a P.O.W.
This wasnt going to be my original topic for the day, but i started reading a book today and i had to share..."Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.
I am a Prisoner of War...let's begin with the definition: prisoner of war -noun- person who is captured and held by an enemy during war. In this case the enemy is satan..now dont worry, i'm not gonna get all holier than thou..but this is important stuff...
We are all contstantly being attacked..satan is clever and we all should know this by now, even non-believers know this...but what u may not think about is how satan's plan for us comes together..the (spiritual)war is fought between "good and evil" and ur mind is the battlefield...during the war u are captured and put in prison(mentally)...this was accomplished because of careful planning by the enemy...the enemy learns about u..finds your weaknesses and knows when and how to attack...now u and ur mind are in bondage(definition-the state of being bound by or subjected to some external power or control). So how do you get out of bondage? ...u take back control of ur mind!..
Proverbs 23:7 As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Basically MIND over MATTER...make concious decisions to change ur thoughts and break urself out of bondage...now if this were easy..everyone would be doing it..LOL..they call it war for a reason...but it is possible..
Now how does all this apply to ME?..since this blog is about finding myself..mostly i am changing what i "ingest"..garbage in garbage out..change some of my music (since i joined choir i find myself singin happy songs)...change what i focus on...i want to be a good example for my kids...i have always heard people say.."would u say that to ur mother" or "would u do that if Jesus were watching?"...and it's true..my kids are constantly watching and i need act accordingly...otherwise they will end up all screwed up like me..as Obama says..TIME FOR CHANGE....until next time.
I am a Prisoner of War...let's begin with the definition: prisoner of war -noun- person who is captured and held by an enemy during war. In this case the enemy is satan..now dont worry, i'm not gonna get all holier than thou..but this is important stuff...
We are all contstantly being attacked..satan is clever and we all should know this by now, even non-believers know this...but what u may not think about is how satan's plan for us comes together..the (spiritual)war is fought between "good and evil" and ur mind is the battlefield...during the war u are captured and put in prison(mentally)...this was accomplished because of careful planning by the enemy...the enemy learns about u..finds your weaknesses and knows when and how to attack...now u and ur mind are in bondage(definition-the state of being bound by or subjected to some external power or control). So how do you get out of bondage? ...u take back control of ur mind!..
Proverbs 23:7 As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Basically MIND over MATTER...make concious decisions to change ur thoughts and break urself out of bondage...now if this were easy..everyone would be doing it..LOL..they call it war for a reason...but it is possible..
Now how does all this apply to ME?..since this blog is about finding myself..mostly i am changing what i "ingest"..garbage in garbage out..change some of my music (since i joined choir i find myself singin happy songs)...change what i focus on...i want to be a good example for my kids...i have always heard people say.."would u say that to ur mother" or "would u do that if Jesus were watching?"...and it's true..my kids are constantly watching and i need act accordingly...otherwise they will end up all screwed up like me..as Obama says..TIME FOR CHANGE....until next time.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I am...at War
Sorry for the long gap between this post and my first one, but I was sick..and feeling totally unmotivated to do anything...today's "I AM" is...I am at WAR!
Definition: war, noun- a struggle OR verb- to be in conflict or in a state of strong opposition...
This has always gone on, but I guess I am just recently aware of it..lol..
My name is Stacy and I am at war with myself..hahaha....my personalities clash..and my worlds collide...Imagine it like u see in the movies..where the angel is sitting on one shoulder and the devil is on the other..talkin in ur ear while arguing their point..lol ya, thats me.
There's "Good Stacy"..who is laid back, enjoys time with kids, hanging out at the house, is responsible, goes to work, goes to church..blah blah...Then there's the "Bad Stacy" (BAD AZZ as u may know)..this is the crunk, outgoing, ride or die..dance till u drop and drink till u pass out...side of me..
I know this confuses people who dont know and understand both sides of me..they dont understand where I disappear to for months at a time while i transition thru these changes...i think this is the true definition of a pisces..the two fish swimming in opposite directions..keeping u constantly moving in circles and not really getting anywhere...even when u are conciously aware that this is happening there's nothin u can do to stop it..the current is too strong and u get sucked under...u stay submerged for awhile..suffocating, feeling heavy, depressed, complacent, hopeless and helpless...and then the tide recedes...u can finally catch ur breath..u feel hope returning...u think..ok i can get thru this...time passes and u start to feel like urself again...only for the cycle(another important definition: cycle-a sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one.) to begin again..i've been told this is also the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result..go figure...lol
Definition: war, noun- a struggle OR verb- to be in conflict or in a state of strong opposition...
This has always gone on, but I guess I am just recently aware of it..lol..
My name is Stacy and I am at war with myself..hahaha....my personalities clash..and my worlds collide...Imagine it like u see in the movies..where the angel is sitting on one shoulder and the devil is on the other..talkin in ur ear while arguing their point..lol ya, thats me.
There's "Good Stacy"..who is laid back, enjoys time with kids, hanging out at the house, is responsible, goes to work, goes to church..blah blah...Then there's the "Bad Stacy" (BAD AZZ as u may know)..this is the crunk, outgoing, ride or die..dance till u drop and drink till u pass out...side of me..
I know this confuses people who dont know and understand both sides of me..they dont understand where I disappear to for months at a time while i transition thru these changes...i think this is the true definition of a pisces..the two fish swimming in opposite directions..keeping u constantly moving in circles and not really getting anywhere...even when u are conciously aware that this is happening there's nothin u can do to stop it..the current is too strong and u get sucked under...u stay submerged for awhile..suffocating, feeling heavy, depressed, complacent, hopeless and helpless...and then the tide recedes...u can finally catch ur breath..u feel hope returning...u think..ok i can get thru this...time passes and u start to feel like urself again...only for the cycle(another important definition: cycle-a sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one.) to begin again..i've been told this is also the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result..go figure...lol
Thursday, October 16, 2008
In the beginning...
There is always a beginning...
It's time to start blogging again..not necessarily for anyone to read..but for my own sanity in thinking things thru to make sense of it all.
I'm looking for that "start over" button...the one where you say, I dunno how I got here, but I think I wanna start over. At 32, I feel like I am in an early mid-life crisis..I am nowhere near where I thought I would be and still going nowhere fast. Somethings gotta change.
So as the first step, I decided to go back to school in the spring..this is usually where alot of people start..learning a new trade or finally saying OK, I will get a degree!..I like to learn, but I have always been the type that learns a specific thing for the moment..and too impatient to go thru the "nonsense" classes you have to take to get that piece of paper(degree) in your hand...call me a non-conformist..but at some point you see the reality that most employers wont even look at your resume if you dont have one..even if its majoring in some BS like dance...
Step two was smaller..but just as important..I changed my myspace "name"..NOW..for those who dont know..I have been "BAD AZZ" for quite some time..this pretty much summed up one side of my split personality..and this was the persona that was portrayed for over a year...this side was the "crunk queen" who believed the party was where I was even if theres only 2 people in the room...but at the same time..those who know me as that..dont know the other side of me..which is what completes me. Some dont know the flip side..the mom..the friend..the one who loves kids and whose dream is to open a foster home...so until I figure out who the new me is..I am Just Stacy.
Yesterday at church an elder preached...and I must admit..I am spoiled to all the good messages we get there so to see a new guy I wasnt sure about if he could measure up...but all in all the message was good...he spoke on how difficult we make things andhow simple God is..God is "The I AM"...he talked about how people lose their identity because they lose thier confidence in themselves...so I decided that everyday..I'm going to think of one thing that I KNOW I AM.
There ya go...day one to figurin out who I AM. Stay tuned for more..lol
It's time to start blogging again..not necessarily for anyone to read..but for my own sanity in thinking things thru to make sense of it all.
I'm looking for that "start over" button...the one where you say, I dunno how I got here, but I think I wanna start over. At 32, I feel like I am in an early mid-life crisis..I am nowhere near where I thought I would be and still going nowhere fast. Somethings gotta change.
So as the first step, I decided to go back to school in the spring..this is usually where alot of people start..learning a new trade or finally saying OK, I will get a degree!..I like to learn, but I have always been the type that learns a specific thing for the moment..and too impatient to go thru the "nonsense" classes you have to take to get that piece of paper(degree) in your hand...call me a non-conformist..but at some point you see the reality that most employers wont even look at your resume if you dont have one..even if its majoring in some BS like dance...
Step two was smaller..but just as important..I changed my myspace "name"..NOW..for those who dont know..I have been "BAD AZZ" for quite some time..this pretty much summed up one side of my split personality..and this was the persona that was portrayed for over a year...this side was the "crunk queen" who believed the party was where I was even if theres only 2 people in the room...but at the same time..those who know me as that..dont know the other side of me..which is what completes me. Some dont know the flip side..the mom..the friend..the one who loves kids and whose dream is to open a foster home...so until I figure out who the new me is..I am Just Stacy.
Yesterday at church an elder preached...and I must admit..I am spoiled to all the good messages we get there so to see a new guy I wasnt sure about if he could measure up...but all in all the message was good...he spoke on how difficult we make things andhow simple God is..God is "The I AM"...he talked about how people lose their identity because they lose thier confidence in themselves...so I decided that everyday..I'm going to think of one thing that I KNOW I AM.
There ya go...day one to figurin out who I AM. Stay tuned for more..lol
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