Just Stacy

I AM a CASA...

2011-01-25T23:25:00.000-06:00

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to work with kids in the foster care system...hoping one day to open one or more group foster homes...I had been seeking a volunteer position in several different organizations, but wasnt really feeling they "matched" me. By the suggestion of a few of my friends, I applied as a volunteer at CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) of Collin County.

(As a sidenote..for those of you who don't know what a "CASA" is...it goes a little like this...children are removed everyday from their homes due to abuse or neglect..each child is assigned a CPS caseworker, an Attorney ad Litem and luckily in Collin County each child is assigned a CASA. The CASA serves as the Guardian ad Litem for this child. They advocate on the behalf of the child and their best interests including medical care, educational needs, etc. The CASA makes sure that the child has all their needs met and is as successful as possible while in foster care until they can be reunited with their family or be placed elsewhere in a safe home).

That being said I was thrilled to find something like this to be involved with. Ultimately, since I would like to pursue this line of work as a career..I couldnt be happier to get to help children while gaining first hand experience in my future career field. After intense training, I am proud to report that I will be sworn in by the Judge this week and become an official CASA advocate! Most people think I am crazy. They say, " You mean you are going to do ALL that work and NOT get paid? I dont know how you can do that!" My response is, " I dont know how you can't?"

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a daughter of a foster child, I know this is God's purpose for me. My life experiences are my testimony. They allow me to be able to look a child in the face and know EXACTLY how they feel and understand in my heart how important it is for me to stand up for that child when no one else will. Dont forget...Kids in CPS care could be your neighbor, your child's best friend in school, on the soccer team, your relative..child abuse knows no color, race or gender..it doesn't discriminate..

Not everyone is cut out for this kind of work, trust me...I get it. But I encourage people to find whatever they are passionate about and do something about it. Find your purpose! God didn't plop us on Earth to sleep, work, eat and procreate while having no impact on people. We aren't here for US..we are here to glorify Him in whichever unique way we can. #foodforthought

...until next time...

I AM still here

2011-01-25T22:40:00.000-06:00

A lot has changed since I last wrote..lost a job, found a new one, decided I wanted to focus on school, and 2 car accidents later..life is changed but better. I am now an unemployed, full time student, mom and volunteer and love it..I am finishing my associates degree this spring and hope to transfer to UTD in the fall. More than anything, I've enjoyed being home more for my kids..taking them to practice..volunteering more at their schools..overall being there in a way I wasnt before for my kids..
..I'm exceedingly blessed and got alot on my mind..so years from when this blog began..it's time to resume "therapy"...time to get back on the wagon..

I Am ...strong

2009-08-13T09:48:00.009-05:00

It's another day in the neighborhood..i was talkin with a friend today who made a very good point and i thought i would share..."The devil only wants the strong"...

define: strong-adj- 1) mentally powerful or vigorous 2) especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect 3) of great moral power, firmness, or courage 4) powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding.

it seems like its always something..theres always an obstacle..theres always a situation..a crisis..its never ending..i know im not the only one goin thru it but dang!...u hear people say.."u know ur on the right track if the devil is messin w u"..and now that i think about its because he only wants the strong..his job is done if ur beat down and weak..he can take u out with one blow...if ur strong..he has to constantly attack u to make u vulnerable..as long as u r strong...his tactics to seduce u wont work..being strong takes work..constant effort to recharge and be ready for battle...

being strong brings a certain level of discernment with it..mental toughness helps u recognize when the devil is playin games with u..once u see it..u know how to fight it...mentally weak people cant see or think clearly because their judgment is clouded by their circumstances...at your weakest moments people will say and do things they otherwise may not do...remember the devil is looking for new recruits all the time..he wants the strong for his army too..he knows ur on God's side..and hes gonna do anything in his power to convert u..the beating he is puttin on u know is just the initiation...and hes not not gonna stop until you break..

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

everyday u have to "put on the armor of God" just like they teach in bible school..stand strong and be ready for the fight!

...until next time!

I Am...the clay

2009-08-11T13:42:00.005-05:00

I was talking with a friend today about fulfilling your purpose..we questioned is it possible to miss the mark?..can you go your whole life and never achieve it?..is it ever too late?..my answer was NO..

This reminds me of the potter and the clay...the potter has the power and foreknowledge as to what his plan is for the clay...he knows the strengths and limitations to which he can stretch and pull the clay to make it into a beautiful masterpiece...

On the other hand, the clay always has the ability to become a masterpiece..even if the clay dries to a brick..with care from the potter it can be revived and still brought to its full potential..but the natural state of the clay resists the potter..it can take hours to soften the clay so that it can be molded and shaped to become "all that it can be".

i think that God never loses sight of what our full potential is(especially since He created us..lol)..and He knows beforehand that we will do things that cause us to stray from what our ideal plan might be..but all and all we never lose the potential to meet or fulfill our predestined purpose...

i think the key is that the clay cant be molded until is "gives" and becomes soft..personally, i have found that my stubbornness in giving up that last little bit of control(over many things) is what has prevented me from being mold-able..once i give that up..God can shape me into the masterpiece He has always envisioned for me to be.

...until next time!

I Am...desperate for change

2009-08-09T22:09:00.004-05:00

The Word today at church was so good I listened to it twice to make sure it sunk in..lol..Pastor Ricky always hits home..his message today was about "Being desperate for change"...how fitting..lol...i have known for some time that i am going thru a change..today i saw what i was doing wrong..

define: change-verb-1) to become different 2) to become transformed or converted 3) to pass gradually into.

in order to grow u have to be ready to change..we all SAY we are ready for change..we want our breakthru..but what are we changing to get there?..i have wanted the end result but havent been willing to give up complete control and set myself apart...no matter how much bargaining we do, we cant manipulate Gods plan..we can make all the "deals" we want.."God if u do this then i will..fill in the blank"..but in the end..He's in control...things to remember..

...change never happens without a struggle...i always think of a caterpillar that changes into a butterfly and the struggle it goes thru to emerge from its cocoon.

...God initiates the fight..Genesis 32:22-31..His fight is to strengthen us, not to suppress us..when he fights with us..He leaves His mark..this mark is there to remind us of what happened..thru this fight brings transformation and transition.

...u must fight to receive the promises..

...u have to take off the mask..stop hiding and living the double life that is blocking u from what God has for u...and release the control..(this one is hard)..

...God will always complete what He starts...and the only thing that can get in the way of this is urself..

when ur desperate..u feel like u will pretty much do anything..so today..i have decided..to be the person I have always been..the one who is different.. i am setting myself apart..being transformed...and releasing the control..stepping out on faith...and transitioning into what God has for me...i dont care what people think..its time for a change..God show me the way..

...until next time!

I AM...forgiving me

2009-08-03T12:09:00.004-05:00

My epiphany this week is that I have to forgive ME..as I try to evaluate myself and grow and change for the better I am "stunting my growth" because I havent forgiven myself for many of the things I have done or havent done for that matter...as I was goin thru some serious revelations this week God showed me I cant get what He wants to give me until I do that first.
I was watching Joyce Meyer as I do every morning..and she was talking about this topic..i dont think i really realized this was my problem..lol

define: forgive-verb- 1) to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. 2) to give up all claim on account of; remit. 3) to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies. 4) to cancel an indebtedness or liability of.

define: guilt-noun- 1) a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

first of all..u cant give something u dont have..meaning..u cant forgive someone else if u havent forgiven urself first..u cant love someone else if u dont love urself..u cant teach someone something if u dont know it for urself...so now i realize why im still draggin around the chains.. why is it so hard to forgive?..guilt..lol..when forgiveness happens..its like paying a debt..once its paid its done..but there was a "transfer of currency" so to speak..you hurt me(cost me pain)..i forgive u(pardon ur act)..but even tho the debt is paid..you still owe "residual" damages..lol..because, even tho i am forgiving u i may not ever forget what u did...with God its not that way..His design of forgiveness is different..you hurt Him(cost Him sadness with our choices)...we ask for forgiveness(He pardons our acts as if it NEVER happened)..there are no residual damages..because our debt was paid before it even happened..and even tho it cost Him His son..it's free for us...

think about how some people feel about taking something thats free..now..if its some cheezy consolation prize..we dont care..we will take it and not think twice(even tho we probably dont appreciate it)..but to take something for free that is bigger and better than you could ever image..wiping the slate clean as if it never happened..we feel like we dont deserve to get it without having to pay..either with money or actions or favors..

goin back to guilt..there are 2 kinds..conviction and condemnation...conviction is the guilt God has us feel..we get that feeling inside when we have done something wrong, hurt someone, been dishonest etc..this is designed to keep us on the right track..and to know right from wrong etc..condemnation is the guilt Satan has us feel..the feeling like "i cant do anything right", "i hate myself for what i did", "no one will like me because of what i did"..etc..we have to be able to tell the difference..and in order to forgive urself u have to see that the lies of condemnation Satan tell us are just that ..LIES!.

forgiveness is essential for us and for God..its a matter of health, sanity and blessings..i have decided that i cannot change the past and that right now I AM Forgiving ME!

Mary Mary-Forgiven Me

I hold a memory of myself
reflections of what I used to be
these broken roads that got me here
can't make it hard to face reality
but a new day is here
it's time that I embrace it
can't wait another day
right now I gotta face it

(Chorus) I never ever wanna press rewind
never wanna go back in time
not much glory in that story
but it's mine
so I'm lovin who I am today
the past has past away
finally I have forgiven me

(Verse 2) I hold a memory of myself
so young and foolish and not knowing
careless decisions that I made
I wish somebody would have told me
but a new day is here it's time that I embrace it
can't wait another day right now I gotta face it

(Bridge) the mirror on the wall
it makes me see today that I'm,
I'm not that foolish girl
time has brought a change a transformation
the old into the new when I let go of me and held on to you..
______________________________________________

...until next time!

I Am...a refugee

2009-07-29T16:18:00.007-05:00

I cant seem to get the words out fast enough this week..a lot on my mind..lots of writing to get out..

define: refuge-noun

1.	shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.: to take refuge from a storm.

2.	a place of shelter, protection, or safety.

3.	anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.

With all the ups and downs...I know God is near me, but I'm distant from Him..this morning as soon as I woke up I felt Him speak to me, "I am your refuge." Typing that makes me want to cry..His timing is perfect as always..He knew I needed that word this morning..to get outta bed, let alone face the day. So, admittedly I am not the best scripture quoter, so I looked it up..there are several places were it refers to refuge..but this one fit the best..my little nugget for the day.

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the strength of my salvation, my stronghold.

When your sinking..you need a rock to hold on to..He is my rock and He is my refuge...without Him...who else will save me from the quicksand?

I many go thru tough times but I always know I need the shelter, safety, protection, aid, relief and escape only He can provide..My own little "staycation".*wink*

Thank you God for all that you ARE, HAVE BEEN and WILL BE..

...until next time!

I Am..getting past

2009-07-29T14:50:00.002-05:00

I finally feel my soul returning..at least for the moment...i am sure there will be more ups and downs but once it returns completely..the guards go back up...such a shame but such a necessity till it heals again...i dont think gettin past requires forgiveness..(at least not at first)..first comes acceptance...and while i havent totally done that yet..im gettin there..ive accepted it's outta my control...so be it...

"...Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned..."-Alicia Keys

...until next time!

How much can one endure?

2009-07-29T00:21:00.002-05:00

I know people in many different circumstances ask themselves, and even God, everyday..how much more can I take? We deal with death, tragedy and extreme loss...yet we find it within us to keep going day by day..we pray for healing and understanding as to why we have to go thru the things we do, why does it have to be this way? How many more lessons can I learn? Yet we really arent supposed to ask God why..

God made us resilient because He knew the things we would have to endure, but somehow that doesnt make me feel any better about NOW. I know it should, but in anger I chase away the comfort He brings because I dont want to be going thru it at ALL! I know without God and His covering more than likely I would be going thru much more than I have..but if u knew what all that was you might wonder how I'm not in a padded room. I'm determined not to let those things define me..It's who I was...not who I am...and I'm a better person because of it.

I think about when my mom died..the pain was so devastating I didnt know how I would recover...how I would wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other...I was angry at God for a year..I dont really remember how or when things changed..but they did...and while I miss her with everything in me..I manage to go on..

How many times can life leave gaping holes in your heart and it keeps beating? I have said before that even though we heal, the scars will always remain..constant reminders of the pain that caused it..but I have also heard that those scars are there to remind us of our victories with and thru God. I try, but in all honesty, I cant always keep this attitude.

In the midst, I want to think of the future when I can look back at where I have been and be glad about where I am...but sometimes I just dont wanna be where I am..I wanna be somewhere else..anywhere but here...sigh..God forgive me.

I Am...Multidimensional

2009-07-28T20:51:00.003-05:00

Multidimensionality is as complicated to "be" as it is to spell..lol

First thing that peeks my curiousity is how hard it is to explain something/someone as multidimensional if you cant properly define dimension...simplest definition that comes to mind is something with many sides..and MAN if anyone knows me even in the slightest they know this is true. Of course there are pros and cons to this..it makes me versatile, easily adaptable, and someone who knows and can do many things depending on which "side" is visible...it also makes me moody, unpredictable and and overall roulette wheel so to speak..because you never know where the ball might land...so in a way..i am the kind of person some love to hate..because while i can be witty and charming i can be a total pain in the..eh umm..neck..lol..whats a girl to do? u have no idea how hard it is to BE this person, let alone be WITH this person..lol.. Love me or leave me?

Balance..which I still have yet to master but strive towards daily...i try to stay on an even keel..i dont wanna fuss or fight because i can quickly swirl into a tail spin..and trust me the "tail" is not the side u wanna see if u can avoid it..i dont wanna be too predictable..cuz whats the fun in that?..how do u have spontaneity and still keep from tippin the boat?..vewwy carefuwwy..this takes A LOT of effort and even more energy..but it is possible..i refer alot to the new and old me..and even tho it should refer to God etc..its really about the person i have evolved into over the last several years and moreso over the last year..a much happier..calm and controlled ME...now this new me does get gagged and hog-tied from time to time and the crazy "i will cut u" puerto rican in me does emerge..but she can be brought back to the "zen-chi" me..lol

What is sacrificed is all this?..hmm..things i have learned myself and have even shared with others such as...1-just agree and move on..if its not THAT important to be right..choose ur battles..2-dont always say what is on ur mind..i have a permanant scar from biting my tongue..the old me could care LESS if u didnt like what i had to say.. u were gonna listen to every word till im done..STEP AWAY..and learn when to shut up..3-let the OCD im me take a chill pill..im not a neat freak but i like things clean...some days..its ok to lay around and not clean..the mess will be there tmrw..along the same lines..its ok for the kids to get dirty..this is hard for me..i think the hardest thing i did was let my son (now 12 then maybe 5) go outside in the snow and make snow angels..what was even harder..i made some with him...he remembers to this day those memories..and all i had to do was not worry about the mess we were gonna make with all the wet clothes.

A lot of my dimensions are totally and extremely opposite from one another..this also has its pros and cons..i dont trust easily, but when i do im all in...i dont love easily, but when i do, i fall hard...i dont like doin anything half-way..the best or not at all...im all about play hard or go home...

Where does this leave me..heck I dunno..lol..remember this is my therapy..but i know that day by day..each side is more clearly defined..its purpose and the role it plays...

I am..outgoing, fun, intelligent, witty, loving, sarcastic, easy going, a jack of all trades, multi-tasker, an optimist, a skeptic, a pain in the neck, moody, a loopy loop roller-coaster(the best one in the park), unforgettable, open-minded, hard-headed, distant and close..lol, more than u ever thought i would be..and MORE!

take ur pick..love me or leave me...but u gotta have me.. =)

...until next time!

I Am...tryin to dodge the brick

2009-07-27T22:13:00.003-05:00

Boy, boy, boy...another day in the life of Stacy, I am seriously considering writing a book...my friend Brandie always says, "Listen for the whisper, or wait for the brick." I am tired of gettin hit with the brick! I really try hard to listen for God's whisper, for his gentle nudge to keep me in line and on the right track. I pray to make the right choices and I LISTENNNNNNNNNNN really hard..sometimes nothing and sometimes I hear the voices..I guess I was listening to the WRONG VOICES AGAIN! Because WHAM..that brick blindsided me...Mary Mary has a song on their new CD..it talks about this..and their answer is to "keep on runnin because walkin wont get it." Even though I got whacked with the brick, I have to keep seeking Him and what He wants for me. This is hard..sheesh..Love knocks me down and I get back up, Life knocks me down and I get back up, God whacks me with the brick and all I can do is shake it off and pray for as little dain bramage as possible..be patient God, I'm hard headed but I'm not made of steel.

...until next time!

I Am...hurt beyond words

2009-07-27T21:58:00.002-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me how a good woman like myself..one who is intelligent, kind, caring, compassionate, keeps a clean house, cooks, takes care of her kids, goes to church and treats her man like a king, has her kindness taken for weakness. Men wonder where the good women are? We are right here under ur nose..but by necessity have our protective walls up because 99% of men we run into lie, cheat and steal our hearts with no remorse. I am a hopeless romantic, but I am not fool. And saying I Love You doesnt make it so, nor does it make everything go away. We want to love and be loved just like you. We get lonely, but never will I allow that to compromise my standards in who I am and what I want out of a man and life for that matter. Even as I am broken hearted and disappointed in what life brings me through, I am more than I was yesterday. "Today may not be my day, but theres always tomorrow."

I Am..Stumped

2009-07-06T23:28:00.007-05:00

You have heard the quote, " If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."...ok..I let them go and they came back..now what? where do we go from here?

Now of course sometimes there are the ones that you let go and they need to stay gone...but when u love that person it seems 10 times as hard to let them go again. What do you do when this person resurfaces and you have to walk away again?..It doesnt hurt any less..re-opens old wounds..drags up old feelings..but how do u know if they are back because this was "love returned". Whats the test?

...well after a couple days of searching...theres still no answer..life is full of unknowns..all u can do is play things out day by day. Thats how I'm playin my life right now anyway. Some say follow ur heart and if its meant to be things will fall in place..some say let it go and keep it movin..I like to have a plan but of course some things cant be planned..my life is good and I am grateful..what more can a girl ask for...

....until next time!

I AM..The Sound

2009-07-02T16:13:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I feel stirred to write about certain topics not knowing where it will lead me..but then again, that's the awesome part. I was listening to my new Mary Mary cd..popped it in and the in the first track they define "sound". I felt God tellin me that I AM THE SOUND. Most of the time I dunno what these little nuggets mean. But I have been listening to Israel Houghton's cd lately too and he has a song called the Power of One..all of this together tells me this..(some quoted from the songs)..Israel says, it takes one person to start a revolution...so essentially...it just takes one movement to stir the air and send the vibration to make the sound of change..

define: sound-noun-the sensation produced by stimulation of the organs of hearing by vibrations transmitted through the air or other medium.

define: change-verb-to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.

define: revolution-noun-1) a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, esp. one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence. 2) a sudden, complete or marked change in something.

As I take all this in, I think about who I am and who I was..and ultimately who I will be. I have always been the type of person who creates my own rules and sets my own trends...a leader not a follower. In the not so distant past, some of my not so good characteristics defined me and how people knew me..but I've changed..I'm not sure what "new revolution" I'm supposed to start, but I know God is preparing me.

One thing I have learned is that being the medium is only one step, you have to find the "ear" on the other end ready to receive it..what good is it to carry this awesome message, only for it to fall on deaf ears...keep ur senses tuned to the know the difference..

Many times in my life I have felt this stirring..almost anxious hunger before God moves..it almost feels like I am gonna jump outta my skin..lol..(anyone who has ever felt this knows what I am talkin about..and maybe if u didnt know now u do..) ..the craziest part is that even though I dont know which step to take...God brings this peace and shows me the way because I continually seek Him...as long as I keep seeking I will find myself and who I am in Him..and He says that I AM THE SOUND and it is SO!

....until next time!

I AM Back!

2009-07-02T16:04:00.002-05:00

Well...I have been on a bit of a sabbatical and finally feeling the need to write again....its time to get all this crap outta my head and on paper(so to speak)..since i wrote i last i have been grindin away at school..spring semester i busted out with 3.6 GPA( i wasnt happy with that but ..)..and im takin 2 algebra courses this summer..overall i like school..just wanna finish as fast as possible so i can get a job in a field that i enjoy more than real estate..i miss my kiddos..they are stay with their dad during the week so while im grateful because im exhausted at the end of the day..i miss emmmmm!..over these last few months i have still continued to work on myself and my walk with God..truely tryin to see what my purpose is and how to be the best ME that i can be..while i fall short everyday..i do what i can to start fresh the next..life is good and I couldnt ask for more...
..im sure i wont have time to blog as often as i like, but keep an eye out for me...hehehe...see ya soon!

25 random things about me

2009-01-29T16:44:00.000-06:00

25 random things about me

1.) The first thing I notice about people is their teeth.
2.) I like to sleep with my feet stickin out from under the covers.
3.) I have a split personality (some people already know that).
4.) I refuse to split the pole when walking with someone.
5.) People have a tendency to stalk me for no reason.
6.) I could eat cereal every meal of everyday.
7.) I have a pretty persuasive smile. *maybe that’s why people stalk me?*
8.) I am a reformed tomboy.
9.) I have a phobia of public restrooms.
10.) I am a CSI junkie.
11.) I wish I could tie a cherry stem with my tongue.. I also wish I could juggle..lol
12.) I have a tendency to say “GIRL!” even when I’m talking to a guy.
13.) I sing in the choir at my church and LOVE IT!
14.) I miss my mama.
15.) I have a super sensitive nose! I smell stuff no one else smells..not always fun.
16.) I feel sorry for people who live life without a purpose.
17.) I can’t stand people who smack when they chew!
18.) I am secretly a hopeless romantic.
19.) I look forward to full moons.
20.) I would have more kids if I were rich and didn’t have to be pregnant.
21.) I am always on yahoo messenger.
22.) I found out thru an evaluation test that I think equally with both sides of my brain which makes me more conflicted with myself..what the heck?!
23.) I don’t like people who drive slow..dont they know I got somewhere to GO!
24.) I am a text addict. I send over 6000 texts a month. (The first step is admitting you have a problem).
25.) Last but not least, I love Barack Obama!

I am...Finding My Voice

2009-01-12T15:00:00.006-06:00

well everyone...i know its been a hot minute since i posted..holidays..kids..work..sick family..and gettin enrolled in school have kept me busy..i am pleased to say that i am now enrolled for classes and begin next week..pray for ya girl because i am takin 10 hours..im also leading a team at church for the Fit and Free in 2009 Challenge so u will be hearing alot about that too...todays topic is from yesterdays message by Pastor Randy Free...we all want new and better things for 2009 so im tryin to do it RIGHT!..as i find myself and define who i am..i am becoming clearer on Gods plan for me..

I ready for My Breakthrough...here are the 4 steps he spoke on...
1) Faith 2) Extreme Obedience 3) Struggle/Fight 4) Supernatural Intervention

1) Faith-Hebrews 11:1-35 is the gold mine of faith examples..
11:1 - Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. NKJV
OR Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. NIV
in order for it to be seen in the physical realm it has to be spoken or written down...write down ur visions and goals for the year...i am believing God for a lot of things this year...God is faithful!

2) Extreme Obedience - ok this is where i suck..i know what i need to do..yet i DONT do it..ugh..heres a good reference for that problem..lol.. Romans 7:19 -For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...God is waiting for us to be obedient to what He asks of us..He gives us small tests to see if we can be trusted with what He gives us..then he does more..if God gives us a dollar and we waste it, why would He give us a hundred..the blessings will multiply once u obey..u never know if ur ONE step of obedience away from a breakthru..the people of the bible mentioned in Hebrews were obedient because they were faithful...they believed God for the next step even before they took it..thats extreme for a lot of us..

3) Struggle/Fight - with the good comes the bad...there will be times that make u wanna say FORGET IT..i was in that place last week when i was tryin to register for school..Deuteronomy 20:4 For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. God didnt put it in my heart to go back to school just to have me give up or even fail for that matter. When all else fails STAND! Stand firm and against natural impossibility and He will bring u thru it..my biggest struggle is getting distracted..i have so much goin that needs to be done..things get left undone..but i know that is satan and not God..so if this happens, keep ur head in the game and stay committed!

4) Supernatural Intervention - I love this one.."against ALL ODDS"..dont forget..this is what Gods whole business is based on..God wants to work thru u for His glory..supernaturally..when theres absolutely NO explanation for it..its God u can believe that! understand that this comes after the other 3 steps..my thoughts are..this is grand prize!..u earn it..its not just handed out to every Joe Schmoe..otherwise..it would lose it awesomeness..God can do it for whom ever He choses..heal the sick..raise the dead..show a zero balance when u know u didnt pay it (i had this happen)..remain faithful..obey what He tells u..keep fighting the good fight..and God will show up and SHOW OUT!

Day by day i'm more confident..coming out of my comfort zone.. steppin out and into my destiny..its time to speak up and claim whats mine in 2009..today I AM FINDING MY VOICE!

...until next time

Does the truth really set u free?

2008-11-29T19:55:00.007-06:00

I'm playin devils advocate again ...do u think its better to tell someone the truth ..even if they will prolly never know the difference... knowing that the truth is what that person is asking for..but also knowing the truth will change everything..?

define: truth-noun-1. A statement proven to be or accepted as true. 2. Sincerity; integrity.
define: freedom-noun-1. The capacity to exercise choice; free will 2.exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.

my theory has always been dont ask questions u dont want to know the answers to...tho..most do anyway..is it more torture to know the truth?..or does NOT knowing kill u? even tho u may not like the answer, something about KNOWING the truth is freeing to me..even tho the scripture that says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." is referring to God's truth..to me the concept is the same...

(goodcitizen.com)"Telling the truth doesn't mean randomly expressing ones feelings or thoughts. Nor does mean expressing feelings or thoughts in an insensitive way. But it does mean telling people how you feel and what you think, when appropriate. It does mean being true to oneself (telling oneself the truth) and not to someone else's wishes. Psychiatrist David Viscott said that "the truth may hurt, but it's always hurts less than a lie". "

how do i "get" free?..first accept the truth..even if u dont like it..even if u could never fathom it to be so..accept it...then let it go...everything is a choice...with the truth come lots of emotions...hate, rage, anger, disappointment, fill in the blank..lol...but holding on to all of those feelings is what keeps u in bondage..its what keeps the turmoil and misery in your life...people keep secrets their whole life and it haunts them everyday...LET IT GO!

as time passes..i try to walk away with the lessons life brings...i think about how conflicted people can be in themselves..knowing and not knowing..torn by choices to tell or not to tell something..above anything, i remember words are powerful, and once it's said u CAN'T take it back..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Truth: the most deadly weapon ever discovered by humanity. Capable of destroying entire perceptual sets, cultures, and realities. Outlawed by all governments everywhere. Possession is normally punishable by death.-- John Gilmore

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. --Jim Davis

It's not a matter of what is true that counts but a matter of what is perceived to be true. --Henry Kissinger

It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error.-- Adrian Rodgers

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.-- Martin Luther King

...until next time

I am...Changed

2008-11-24T12:34:00.006-06:00

I'm not really sure why I chose today to write on this topic..but again..this is my therapy..i think about how much people change whether from day to day or over years..and i tell people all the time that i am glad that i am a different person than i was..because over the years..i have changed...ALOT... in a way that i can recognize how i react differently to situations etc..and how if i were the "old" me..that things would have happened alot differently...

define: change-verb-1. to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone. 2. to become transformed or converted.

so many times..after being in a long relationship..when u move on.. the "new" guy/girl asks..."why would they let u go(u let them go)?..u are such an awesome person and have all this and that to offer"..but they dont see what it took to get u there...the "new" person gets the benefit of all the hard work that was put into MAKING u that person...u were there patiently waiting thru the hard times as u grew and evolved into who u are now..

then they ask..then why arent u with them anymore?..if u have evolved into this great person..why did u leave?...sometimes because u are changed...the things that drew u together no longer do, or may even push u apart...u can still love and appreciate that person for who they are and what they helped mold u into..but thats not always enough to fix what got broken along the way...

Never regret something that once made you smile. ~Unknown
..until next time

I am...Waiting

2008-11-14T12:07:00.007-06:00

Great day in the book i have been reading..i'm still in Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer...todays topic is my BIGGESTTTTTTTTTTTTTT problem...Patience! today I am...Waiting (or learning to..lol)..

definition of: patience-noun-1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. 2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. 3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

i have to make a concious effort to work on my patience..every day..heck every minute..i want what i want, and i want it NOW...but of course thats not realistic..so i gotta be patient..UGH!..as i was reading there were so many good "nuggets" that made me see things clearer...in James 5:7 it says, "So be patient, AS you wait..." notice it doesnt say "So be patient, IF you wait..."..we dont have a choice but to wait..if u think about it..we end up spending more time waiting than we do receiving..so we gotta check our attitude while we are doing it..and enjoy the waiting time...

now... what prevents us from doin that...i had never thought of it..but pride prevents patient waiting(Joyce Meyer describes this so well i love her)...the proud person thinks so highly of himself that he believes he should never have to wait or be inconvenienced...a humble person will not display an impatient attitude...(I had an ah-ha moment)..The proud tries to use the strength of his own flesh and tries to make things happen in his own timing..pride says, "I am ready now!" (this is so ME)..humility says, "God knows best, and He will not be late!" A humble man waits patiently; he actually has a "reverential fear" of moving in the strength of his own flesh. But a proud man tries one thing after another, all to no avail. (omg this is good stuff)

how do we get it?...patience is the fruit of the Spirit(Gal 5:22)..meaning once we are saved(born-again)..we gain the ability to have this characteristic..and displaying this is very important. God wants other people to see His character thru His children...also remember that the devil cannot control a patient person...(another ah-ha moment)

ok..so now we will see why we need to be patient and the benefit of it..Hebrews 10:36 "For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and THUS receive and carry away[and enjoy to the full] what is promised." WOW! AH HAAAAA! this one dug in me...the Scripture says without patience and endurance we WILL NOT receive the promises of God... and Hebrews 6:12 tells us that it is only thru faith and patience that we inherit the promises....im tellin u..i was reading this in starbucks this mornin..i almost got up and started to dance..because my eyes were opened and i was so excited to gain the revelation of this concept...

this applies to so many areas of my life now..its not even funny...reading today has confirmed alot of things that i have been hearing from God..and nothings better than knowin ur on the right path...so in the meantime..while i'm waiting..i'm gonna savor the flavor and marinate in the promises He has for me...today I AM... WAITING...until next time...

I am...Hearing Voices

2008-11-13T16:18:00.004-06:00

thank goodness for Tyler Perry...he says it like it is...

..."Pay attention to the voices in your head. If somebody say they love you, then everything they do has to line up with love. If somebody say they love you and do something crazy, and you tell them to stop, and they keep doing it, well, they don't love you. Pay attention to that voice. Get by yourself so you can hear what God is trying to tell you."~Madea

this is harder said than done, as most know...in the midst things..how do u hear the voices clearly?...how do u know which voice to listen to? Madea said get by urself so u can hear what GOD is saying..thats what the term "get into ur prayer closet" is talkin about..getting away from the noise and waiting expectantly for that still small voice...when u hear it..u know its God if it lines up with His Word...

the hard part is DOING what God said...i'm not always the best at this (i pretty much suck at it but i am a work in progress)..not because i want to be disobedient..but because if God says let them go, im scared to...for fear they might not come back...this is the test of a person's true colors...theirs AND mine...

Maya Angelou said it best. She said, "If someone shows you who they are, believe them." I believe people can change..but it has to be their choice...and sometimes its too late..but at least walk away with the lesson..and learn to listen to the voices....until next time..

Just for a season...

2008-11-12T14:31:00.005-06:00

another day in the neighborhood...ive been ponderin some stuff the past few days...as i am seeking to find myself..i question my purpose and the purpose of those around me..i think why am i here..recently i have had a few blasts from the past..and friends from WAY back got back in touch with me..i wonder..why now..i think everything happens for a reason..according to God's will and purpose for my life..nothing is by accident..and it makes me re-evaluate my role in their life and vice versa...it reminded me of this Madea quote (thank u Brandie for finding it)...

..."Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You got to know which is which. You're gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. We got people that got married with people they only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they have so much hell in their life. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love, and now you wonder why don't got no peace anywhere you go."

..."I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they over there. They unstable. Blows the other way, they over here. Seasons change, they wither and die, they gone. That's alright. Most people in the world are like that. They just there to take from the tree. They there to take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at em, that's who they are. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think they a good friend and real strong, but the minute you step out there on em, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. They're the kind of people that ain't goin nowhere. They ain't worried about bein seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they doin for you. But if them roots wasn't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? When you get you some roots hold on to em. But the rest of it you let it go. Just let folks go. "

theres almost nuthing left to say...what Madea said is so true..

appreciate those people in ur life..u never know their purpose..and make a point to be that for someone else..my mama used to tell me.."If my ONLY purpose in life was to have u..I am grateful for it." We might just be here to cause someone to turn left instead of right..not knowing that one turn changed their life..live each day with purpose..even if ur not sure what it is...until next time...

I am...A Better Man

2008-11-10T09:33:00.009-06:00

sorry for the blog break again...just wasnt feelin the need to write on friday..overall a good weekend..i heard this song today..it made me think of things that i have done in relationships and had done to me..what comes around goes around and karma is a bi***...in the end..we all just wanted to be loved and appreciated...it seems so simple..yet complicated at the same time...men are usually simple creatures..but there are always curve balls...as soon as u think u have someone figured out..they pitch u a screw ball and ur struck out...love is ....

definition of: love-noun-1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. 3. An intense emotional attachment. in love-verb-1. infused with or feeling deep affection or passion

Love is wonderful..love is ineffable(incapable of being expressed or described in words)..love is sacred..love is irreplaceable...love is life changing...love is unconditional..love is a natural high..love is blind..love is blinding...love is lasting...love is tender..love is healing...love is passionate...love is never wasted..love sees beyond imperfections..love is euphoric and devestating all in one...love is heartbreaking...love is disappointing..love is miserable..love is covetous...love is taken for granted..love is destroyed...love is lost and love is found...love is selfless and love is prideful...love is half empty and half full...love is a roller coaster...love is an oxymoron...

If I Were A Boy lyrics by Beyonce
If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…

If I were a boy..I would be a better man...I AM..A Better Man...until next time...

I am...Hopeful

2008-11-05T12:35:00.011-06:00

What an awesome day! I am filled with so many emotions i am almost speachless..watching Barack win literally brought me and millions of others to tears..i pray that men of all colors see him as "something to live up to" ... and appreciate every stepping stone he lays from today forward...let me give u a little background on my perspective...

hopeful-adj-1. Having or manifesting hope. 2. full of promise... Having qualities which excite hope; affording promise of good or of success

where do i begin?..did i think Barack would win?..yes..but i didnt want to jump the gun..because when it comes down to it..elections can change quickly either way...some voted based purely on his race..(tho studies show there wasnt an overwhelming amount of black voters..but who knows)..some voted because they felt he would bring the opposite of what Bush has brought for 8 years...some because they truly felt he is an awesome man and will be a great leader for our country...some just because they felt McCain was such a horrible choice they would go democrat..regardless..he won!

electing the first black president of the united states is about much more than changing history..its about paving new pathways to progress...for those who dont know(because people always assume incorrectly)..i am half white and half puerto rican..born in chicago and moved to lewisville, texas at the age of 5..at this time lewisville was not the retail super city like it is now..it was corn fields and farmers...so take urself back 27 years and remember the mentality of the majority of southerners...i was the dark-skinned outkast with a white mother..i remember once when i was in the grocery store with my mother..someone walked up to us and asked "Where did u find HER?"..like i was from a third world country or something...in my neighborhood i was called the "colored girl" by most...my 4th grade teacher hated me..and told me outright she was goin to find a way to fail me because she didnt like "wetbacks"..in 7th grade i went to a dance with the CUTEST guy..afterwards i went to meet his mom..she pulled me to the side and said.."dont ever talk to my son again..u are the WRONG color for him"..so even tho i wasnt around during the civil rights movement..i have felt the anguish of prejudice first hand..

In my opnion, Barack Obama put the pendulum in motion bringing forth the biggest MOVEMENT of people since MLK, instilling hope and casting an inspiring vision across the globe...

yesterday was so surreal, incomprehensible even...seeing the faces (all colors) so deeply moved by the pure thought that the unthinkable was actually happening...i know i'm not alone in waking up this morning thinking to myself.."everything is gonna be ok"...restoration of hope brings faith, joy and purpose back into waking up and putting your best into each day...i sat down with both the boys this morning just like i did the day Barack was nominated as the democratic candiate...and explained the best i could how important yesterday was..how they can tell their kids, "i remember when.."..and how this election opened the doors for generations to come... and that this is living proof that ANYONE..can grow up to be the President of the United States! Today I am proud to be an American and I AM HOPEFUL!...until next time..

I am..Pickin up the Pieces

2008-11-04T15:11:00.004-06:00

well after yesterdays rant..it's time to get it together..i feel much better gettin all that out of my system so that i can move on...so today I AM...Picking up the Pieces...

i am glad that the aftermath is minimal after all the dishes breakin yesterday...but thats the great part about bloggin...i still have alot of internal housekeeping to do, but the rage has passed and now i can focus..alot of what i have been thinkin about has to do with function and dysfunction..the actual percentage of dysfunctional households is thru the roof..producing more dysfunctional kids etc...how do u know that ur relationship with someone is normal or not?..whats normal? many of us have been to hell and back thru the years of growing up and gettin into adult relationships that mimic what we saw all our lives..i saw this online and modified it a bit..

The Functional Family (or any relationship)

F ills its function
U nderstands everyone's purpose
N urtures - everyone's needs are met
C ommunicates frequently and effectively
T eaches the partner/spouse/child what they need to know
I ntimacy is available
O pen to new ideas
N ever punishes by shaming or withholding love
A lways seeks to understand each other
L OVE IS MOST IMPORTANT (including sometimes tough love)

F ights fair
A ssists each other (teamwork)
M akes each individual important
I n times of trouble, focuses on solving the problem, support
L ets each partner/member be an individual
Y OU have the power to be functional, no matter what anyone else is doing

i have joked before about having to go thru a "12-step program" or my own little rehab to get past a broken relationship with out losing my mind...but this is a good checklist to see if what ur going thru is functional or dysfunctional...

the "function" of a relationship is different for each person..but the basics gotta be there(love, nurturing, respect...)..everyone plays a different role..alpha, omega or tug of war...when u love someone..its so hard to see the forest for the trees..u have ur own interpretation of what is really goin on..but sometimes it takes true objective re-evaluation to remove the rose colored glasses..i struggle with this every day..and i still cant quite get it right..but im not gonna stop trying..i know what i want..and what i dont want..even when all the broken pieces get put back together..the cracks(scars) are still there..just camouflaged very well..lol...until next time...

I am ..Breakin Dishes

2008-11-03T14:40:00.011-06:00

well i gotta blog before i implode...my title today is I am..Breakin Dishes...

i havent decided which is worse...holdin my tongue..internalizing my anger and rage..or letting it out..SCREAMIN, CUSSIN AND BREAKIN DISHES...i feel like im poisoning myself to save everyone elses feelings...

nothings worse than a woman scorned...i am the nicest, sweetest, most helpful person..i will do most anything in my power to help someone..make a way for them..whatever it may be..i always have my eye out for jobs or connections that can help people..especially when i really care about u...but it is a HUGE mistake to take my kindness for weakness..i know no one is perfect but dont dare confuse me with the rest of these broads that will put up with nonsense...i will NOT tolerate being taken advantage of..i might stay quiet at first to keep the peace..but there is a breaking point..and trust me when i break ur GONNA know..when im in this mood i jam my Rihanna CD...this song is more than about someone cheating..its about bein PUSHED to the point of no return..

Breakin' Dishes lyrics
I don't know who you think I am
He been gone since 3.30
Been comin home lately at 3.30
I'm super cool, I've been a fool
But now I'm hot and baby you gon' get it
Now I ain't trippin', I, I aint twistin
I am demented, I'm just a little bit (huh)
I'm kickin ass, I'm taking names
I'm on a flame, don't come home babe
[CHORUS]
I'm breakin' dishes up in here
All night (uh huh)
I aint gon stop until I see police and lights (uh huh)
I'm a fight a man (tonight)I'm a fight a man (tonight)
I'm a fight a manA man, a m-a-a-a-aan
A man, a man, on a m-a-a-a-aan
OhhhhI'm still waiting, come through the door
I'm killing time,you know bleachin ya clothes
I'm roasting marshmallows on the fire
And what I'm burnin, is your attire
I'm gettin restless, I'm gettin tested
And I cant believe he's always out every night and never checks in
Is he cheatin, man I dont know
I'm looking round for somethin else to throw
[CHORUS]
I don't know who you think I am
But I really don't give a damn right now
If you don't come I'm a huff and puff and
Blow this, Blow this I'm a blow this, blow this, huh
Blow this house down
Dishes, breakin' dishes, breakin' dishes breakin' dishes

is it really worth getting that upset over? maybe not..but we all go thru peaks and valleys..and this mess sux..it hurts, it makes me mad and makes me sad all at the same time..dont appreciate me for who i am?..i guarantee u are the one who is losin out..once a good girl goes bad shes gone forever...so in case u didnt read my blog saturday..GO KICK ROCKS!...until next time!

I am..Dreaming BIG

2008-11-02T09:34:00.002-06:00

this is just the preface to this actual subject..but i was reading Joel Osteen's devotional this mornin and i wanted to share this prayer...

"Father, because of You, I will dare to dream big dreams. With faith and confidence in You, I know that I can accomplish the goals that You have placed within heart."

this is great stuff and i'm claiming it! If the Lord doesn't do anything else, He's already done enough!

until next time...

I am...Flippin

2008-11-01T21:33:00.003-05:00

for all of u who havent seen the other side of me i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later..its time to rant..i gotta vent because im so ready to tell everybody to just kick rocks...

this is a "I'm sick of men" rant..so if u dont wanta hear it or ur gonna be offended i dont care..dont read it..

can SOMEONE please explain to me the nerve of men who walk around thinkin they can have double standards and no one is gonna speak up..they must be used to dealin with weak or sorry broads..but they should KNOW that i am neither of those and im GONNA tell u how i feel..

all dudes who expect u to JUMP when they call and drop everything..but when u need something they will get to it when they feel like it...all yall can KICK ROCKS..all yall out there who wanna put me thru 30 questions but i ask one dang question and u wanna ack a fool..U CAN KICK ROCKS..and.....all yall out there who dont want me to go date someone else but u treat me like crap...u can KICK ROCKS AND KISS MY YELLA BUTT..u will miss it when its GONE!

until next time!

I am...a Skeptic

2008-10-29T12:02:00.009-05:00

Tryin to get back on blogging schedule..the last 2 days I feel all discombobulated..still reading that great book and todays chapter was written just for me..lol..so the topic is I AM a Skeptic...

lets define skeptic-noun-1. a person who questions the validity or authenticity of something purporting to be factual. 2. a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as toward values, plans, statements, or the character of others...also lets define doubt-verb-1. to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief. 2. to distrust.

i have always been a super analytical kind of person..trying to understand the how's and why's to everything..it helps me feel more in control if i can apply logic and reason to things...but this is exhausting as most people control freaks know..ur entire day can be consumed by all the details and explanations of why people do what they do..as u can see by the definition it boils down to TRUST or the lack thereof..this is a biggie with me..i know i have trust issues..big ones..u have to earn trust and if u ever break my trust u can pretty much count on things never being the same...90% of the time im playing devils advocate and looking at the flip side to why someone did something, especially if its out of the ordinary...if u can figure out what the reason is behind why someone does something..it helps u predict their future behavior when the same situation arises...in my mind if i can predict ahead of time what someones reaction will be..i can better prepare myself to deal with it the next time..or know how to influence that persons behavior by changing what i do..i know its all a bunch of psycho babble BS..but this is the mess goin on in my head...this helps me determine if i can trust that person..if time after time they are predictable, reliable and do what they say they will do...

are u a doubter or a believer?..do u blindly trust people to be good natured, decent human beings who have ur best interests in mind?..or do u think everyone has an ulterior motive?

to keep my sanity..my philosophy is...1. dont ask questions u dont want to know the answers to...2. dont stress over things u cant control (mostly men)...3. choose ur battles...4. be grateful for the good things...5. trust ur instincts..

doubt is a choice..and im tryin to change in baby steps...until next time...

I am..a Doer

2008-10-28T11:04:00.005-05:00

well if i could i would picket my job...i couldnt blog yesterday because they made me WORK all DAY!..so lemme see if i can squeeze one in today..lol..yesterday the topic i chose was..I am A DOER...

lets define..Doer-noun-1. a person or thing that does something, esp. a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency. 2. go-getter

anyone who knows me well, knows this describes me..its one thing i can say that I AM for sure..but just like anything else..i get lax..at least thats how it feels..i have always been the type of person that works all day, then goes home and works more..i have 20 projects goin on at once..tryin to spread myself out in 20 directions...lately i feel like im the opposite of a doer(which i havent quite found a real definition of)..but if i step back and look objectively..i am DOING things..they are just different

..for example..i used to work my 8-5..then somehow manage to do graphic design stuff either for music or party related stuff..flyers, CD artwork or whatever..i also would promote the stuff i just designed..i also do photography..so i would be editing and posting pics..and working on my non-profit bizness which a task in itself...grant research, CPS research..location research..finding sponsors etc..all of this while raising 2 kids and dealing with my own personal issues...i have cut back almost all of that..working primarily on the non-profit stuff and my kids of course....so i feel like i have all this time i am wasting when im just sitting still..when in reality..i am working on ME for a change..i enjoy my quiet time..to just think..or not think, for that matter..i am sorting out all the mess in my head and in my heart and recalibrating the compass so to speak..so i wanted to make a new list of what im DOING..

reading several books..Joyce Meyer, James Patterson, Joel Osteen and Spanish for dummies(stop laughing)

im going back to school in the spring..its been a LONNNNNNG time..pray for ya girl

im learning spanish..my friend said "i thought u was spanish"..i said "i is, but me no speaky spanish"..LOL..its always been very frustrating not being able to speak spanish..i can understand alot but cant form a sentence to save my life..pray again for ya girl

im spending a lot of time with my kids..this year they are both changing so much..every day is so vital to the success of the next day..they are both on the fence of wanting to be independent and wanting to still be mama's boys..so pray even more for ya girl on this one..

i joined the choir at church..another one most people didnt expect..i used to be in my church choir years ago..and always loved it and missed it..so i got up the nerve and went for it..my church is big so its a blast being part of a choir of 200 people..i sang for the first time last sunday and LOVED IT..

im still working on Passage of Hope..i really feel like God has me sitting on the sideline right now..teaching and molding me into a better "player"..for the moment..im waiting patiently..lol

well there ya go..my "list" of what im doing..we get so caught up in "doing" things we cant think or hear clearly..i have found that this is when i have a hard time making good decisions because i cant hear God with all the stuff goin on around me...just a thought**wink**

Heres an interesting quote I heard today "Every man is a moon and has a side which he turns toward nobody: you have to slip around behind if you want to see it." -Mark Twain

....until next time

I am..Thinking about what I'm Thinking About

2008-10-24T10:01:00.000-05:00

Confused already?..Again..this book has me thinking..and it talks about consciously putting effort into having certain thoughts..not just letting what ever pops in ur head stay in there...even before this book i have been aware of how that happens...and after reading "This Present Darkness" i really understood how satan screws with ur head..so u know i always begin with the definitions...cuz this is a good one.

Think(ing)-verb-1. to have or form in the mind as an idea, conception 2. to have a certain thing as the subject of one's thoughts 3. To concentrate one's thoughts on 4. To intend 5. To reason about or reflect on; ponder. -noun-1. use or exercise the mind or one's power of reason in order to make inferences, decisions, or arrive at a solution or judgments.

I know ur like dang....there are about 50 different definitions of think, thinking and thought...but this shows u how complex and important thinking and being in control of it really is..a thought is where everything begins...

Ok so...lets start at the conception of the thought..when something pops in ur head..did something trigger it..where did it originate?..a sound, smell, or something u saw..or did it just pop in there from no where? is the thought about something u are doing now, need to do or have already done?..man this is alot of stuff swirling around in there...this is why u have to take the time to make a conscious effort to separate it, get rid of the junk and meditate on the good stuff..other wise ur head is like a bowl of spaghetti..a big mess...trust me im an expert at the big mess part..what i have done is really tried to see what and who the originator is of all the thoughts that just pop in there outta no where..for example..when u are lookin at someone really cute and u think..i wonder what they are workin with under those clothes(u know u have had that thought...u dont have to lie)..it might be an interesting thought..but thats not a productive thought..and that aint God ...this happens to me at church all the time..so i know its satan screwin with me..(cuz i could think on that topic for a long time) satan knows im easily distracted..i literally have to say to myself..get outta there..

now lets talk on the thoughts that are in there right now...for instance..at work..i deal with these agents that act like children..it makes me insane..and just the sound of the voice of a couple of em makes my blood pressure go up...the first thought is..what the heck do they want now..or ugh i cant stand talkin to so-and-so..but the result of that thinking leaves me irritated and in a bad mood..it lingers almost and leaves this funk ..the point is..even tho i might not wanna deal with them..i have to..so i might as well change the way i deal with it because im just poisoning myself...i guess i have to start practicing what i preach..i tell my kids all the time..everything is a choice..so make good choices..then i turn around and stick my tongue out at em when they cant see..**dont tell anyone**

alright we covered the conception, and the now so what about the past..what about reflecting on all the stuff that has already happened?..sometimes this can be anticipated..we know if we go to a certain place or hear a certain song we are going to be reminded of something/someone...and we either avoid it like the plague or welcome it...if we know its going to trigger a thought..we can control the thought..right?..if its a happy thought dwell on it..if its a bad on replace it with a happy one..that sounds easy..now..what if its something that we dont expect..u have to have an emergency escape plan...so that u know how to deal with it when it comes..and the best way to have an effective emergency plan is to practice it..what good is the plan if its too hard to implement or u forget what the plan was all together..(find ur "happy place")

soooo what does this have to do with me...hmmmm...overall i have removed alot of the negative stuff that i was doing or that was around me..or learned how to deal with it in a different way..fear causes u to hold onto things(thats another days blog)..but i have done it and surprisingly survived it..**big happy face**..i try to recognize when im getting depressed before im face down in the dirt and then try to figure out what got me there so i can deal with it differently next time..(this sounds like a 12 step program for some reason)..all in all..making different and better decisions is creating a better me..and i love it...and i have to give all the glory to God..cuz thats the ONLY thing gettin me thru..

someone that i met only once a year ago sent me a text today and it said "Life isnt about finding urself, its about creating urself..do something!"..how fitting..so today I AM Thinking About What I'm Thinking About and u should too... until next time..

I am...an Anchor

2008-10-23T10:57:00.000-05:00

Over the last few days I have been flooded with things that I am...I could blog 24/7 right now..lol..so today's topic..."I AM an Anchor"

This topic can probably have several parts and several days of writing..but it is based on this passage..Hebrews 6:19 This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...lets define..

Hope-noun- the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. -verb- to believe, desire, or trust. Trust-noun or verb-to have confidence; hope..one more.. Anchor-noun- a person or thing that can be relied on for support, stability, or security.
Who doesnt want these qualities in their lives? someone to count on, depend on, be encouraged by and know no matter what..they got ur back...

Everyone is in a different place in life..we all have these changing things..jobs, kids, illnesses, life throwing us curveballs left and right..in my life i have probably moved 25 times..seriously..i always had to adjust to new friends, new environments, new rules every time i turned around...nothing was ever the same..i remember feelin lost and alone all the time...and when ever things did settle down..it felt like something was wrong because nothing was changing..talk about dysfunction..i wrote the book..as a teenager i remember desperately seeking God..i attended several churches of several denominations..but never felt i found Him..it wasnt until i was pregnant with Jalen that i think i really found Him..i joined this itty bitty church..the pastor ran an in-home daycare and a friend referred me to them when i needed to find a place to take Jalen when i went back to work..i loved it..most sundays no more than 20 people tops..but it was home to me..i sang in the choir(yes i sing and yes there was a choir..lol)..i taught sunday school(stop laughing)..and i wasnt alone anymore..God moved for me time after time and showed me things i had never seen..i understand some people are say.."well thats ur life" because they have never experienced it...but u have to seek it..seek and u shall find, right?..i wanted something constant..i wanted to change all the changing things and make it sit still for awhile...

on the flip side(because thats what i do)..the opposite of hope is discouragement..discouragement destroys hope..thats what satan wants...with no hope there is no joy and then ur back on that rollercoaster...feeling alone..but one thing i learned about myself was that i perservered...and finally made it around that stupid mountain...James 1:4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...and isnt being and feeling complete what this is all about?..

I still have my cycles of away from God and near Him..a lot of us do..but the best part of it is KNOWING He is always gonna be there..He is constant and He is the anchor..He grounds us and keeps us from getting washed away with the current..and when we get really far out in the scary deep water..He can reel us in to safety...i want to have these qualities as a parent, spouse and friend...i want my kids to know..they can always come to me..and while they are testing their independence and sometimes get out too deep..i will always be there to reel them back to where its safe...i wanna be like Him when i grow up..lol..so today I AM AN ANCHOR...until next time.

I am...Going Around the Mountain

2008-10-22T10:29:00.000-05:00

Well it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...and time for the blog of the day..lol..Today I AM "Going Around the Mountain"..

The last few months Joyce Meyer has helped get me thru alot of stuff..gotta love her brutal honesty and humility! She talks alot about goin around the same mountain over and over again...and how tiresome it can be...but I have always thought it reminds me of this song Jai sings in school..If u cant go over it, and u cant go under it, and u cant go thru it..so u gotta go around it...sometimes the mountain looks to hard to climb..and while that might be the shortest way...it's usually the hardest way...so I take the easier.. but longer route AROUND THE MOUNTAIN...now that kinda sounds like it defeats the purpose...but once I get around that sucker this time..I'm not gonna go back around again...this time..I'm gonna find a new mountain..new path..new SOMETHING..with new scenery and new purpose...and re-write that dang song!...until next time...

I am...a P.O.W.

2008-10-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

This wasnt going to be my original topic for the day, but i started reading a book today and i had to share..."Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.

I am a Prisoner of War...let's begin with the definition: prisoner of war -noun- person who is captured and held by an enemy during war. In this case the enemy is satan..now dont worry, i'm not gonna get all holier than thou..but this is important stuff...

We are all contstantly being attacked..satan is clever and we all should know this by now, even non-believers know this...but what u may not think about is how satan's plan for us comes together..the (spiritual)war is fought between "good and evil" and ur mind is the battlefield...during the war u are captured and put in prison(mentally)...this was accomplished because of careful planning by the enemy...the enemy learns about u..finds your weaknesses and knows when and how to attack...now u and ur mind are in bondage(definition-the state of being bound by or subjected to some external power or control). So how do you get out of bondage? ...u take back control of ur mind!..

Proverbs 23:7 As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Basically MIND over MATTER...make concious decisions to change ur thoughts and break urself out of bondage...now if this were easy..everyone would be doing it..LOL..they call it war for a reason...but it is possible..

Now how does all this apply to ME?..since this blog is about finding myself..mostly i am changing what i "ingest"..garbage in garbage out..change some of my music (since i joined choir i find myself singin happy songs)...change what i focus on...i want to be a good example for my kids...i have always heard people say.."would u say that to ur mother" or "would u do that if Jesus were watching?"...and it's true..my kids are constantly watching and i need act accordingly...otherwise they will end up all screwed up like me..as Obama says..TIME FOR CHANGE....until next time.

I am...at War

2008-10-20T12:03:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long gap between this post and my first one, but I was sick..and feeling totally unmotivated to do anything...today's "I AM" is...I am at WAR!

Definition: war, noun- a struggle OR verb- to be in conflict or in a state of strong opposition...

This has always gone on, but I guess I am just recently aware of it..lol..
My name is Stacy and I am at war with myself..hahaha....my personalities clash..and my worlds collide...Imagine it like u see in the movies..where the angel is sitting on one shoulder and the devil is on the other..talkin in ur ear while arguing their point..lol ya, thats me.

There's "Good Stacy"..who is laid back, enjoys time with kids, hanging out at the house, is responsible, goes to work, goes to church..blah blah...Then there's the "Bad Stacy" (BAD AZZ as u may know)..this is the crunk, outgoing, ride or die..dance till u drop and drink till u pass out...side of me..

I know this confuses people who dont know and understand both sides of me..they dont understand where I disappear to for months at a time while i transition thru these changes...i think this is the true definition of a pisces..the two fish swimming in opposite directions..keeping u constantly moving in circles and not really getting anywhere...even when u are conciously aware that this is happening there's nothin u can do to stop it..the current is too strong and u get sucked under...u stay submerged for awhile..suffocating, feeling heavy, depressed, complacent, hopeless and helpless...and then the tide recedes...u can finally catch ur breath..u feel hope returning...u think..ok i can get thru this...time passes and u start to feel like urself again...only for the cycle(another important definition: cycle-a sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one.) to begin again..i've been told this is also the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result..go figure...lol

In the beginning...

2008-10-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

There is always a beginning...

It's time to start blogging again..not necessarily for anyone to read..but for my own sanity in thinking things thru to make sense of it all.

I'm looking for that "start over" button...the one where you say, I dunno how I got here, but I think I wanna start over. At 32, I feel like I am in an early mid-life crisis..I am nowhere near where I thought I would be and still going nowhere fast. Somethings gotta change.

So as the first step, I decided to go back to school in the spring..this is usually where alot of people start..learning a new trade or finally saying OK, I will get a degree!..I like to learn, but I have always been the type that learns a specific thing for the moment..and too impatient to go thru the "nonsense" classes you have to take to get that piece of paper(degree) in your hand...call me a non-conformist..but at some point you see the reality that most employers wont even look at your resume if you dont have one..even if its majoring in some BS like dance...

Step two was smaller..but just as important..I changed my myspace "name"..NOW..for those who dont know..I have been "BAD AZZ" for quite some time..this pretty much summed up one side of my split personality..and this was the persona that was portrayed for over a year...this side was the "crunk queen" who believed the party was where I was even if theres only 2 people in the room...but at the same time..those who know me as that..dont know the other side of me..which is what completes me. Some dont know the flip side..the mom..the friend..the one who loves kids and whose dream is to open a foster home...so until I figure out who the new me is..I am Just Stacy.

Yesterday at church an elder preached...and I must admit..I am spoiled to all the good messages we get there so to see a new guy I wasnt sure about if he could measure up...but all in all the message was good...he spoke on how difficult we make things andhow simple God is..God is "The I AM"...he talked about how people lose their identity because they lose thier confidence in themselves...so I decided that everyday..I'm going to think of one thing that I KNOW I AM.

There ya go...day one to figurin out who I AM. Stay tuned for more..lol